Thursday, May 25, 2017

Saying Goodbye to Her

I have a problem I don't like to tell anyone about.
I cling to the past and let who I was define me.

I made choices in my past that I regret every day.
And it has caused me to buy into a lie

I don't deserve to be happy,
And I will always wind up heartbroken
Because I will always fall in love with the wrong man
Or trust the wrong person.

Enter my fiancee.
He met me not even a week after I made a decision I regretted.
And if I am being honest?
I still don't feel like I deserve to be happy.
My heart still waits to be broken
Even if I am the one who breaks it.

But one thing the Word says that I cling to,
"The heart is deceitful above all things." BUT "Jesus is greater than our hearts"
My heart tells me all the time I will ruin this.
It reminds me every day of what happened yesterday.
So that the future seems impossible

I guess I am writing this because when I think of my past I remember one promise Jesus promised me over and over. I will send you a man who loves you like I do. No one exemplifies Jesus love to me better than Derick.  And Jesus loves better than anyone else I know,
Even writing this, scares me because I keep wondering what if I ruin it?

I guess I am writing this as a declaration of faith because I am not capable of ruining the plans God has for me. And Derick? He is the sweetest plan God has ever laid out for me. I am writing this to say goodbye to who I was.
Goodbye to the depressed me. The heartbroken me. The tears every night me. The "he led me on again me"
Goodbye to dreaming of the day life ended.
Goodbye to toxic friendships, fear driven decisions and holding myself accountable for choices that weren't mine.

My Derick is precious and I cling to that
And I choose to say not only goodbye to the past
But hello the future

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