Thursday, May 25, 2017
I have a problem I don't like to tell anyone about.
I cling to the past and let who I was define me.
I made choices in my past that I regret every day.
And it has caused me to buy into a lie
I don't deserve to be happy,
And I will always wind up heartbroken
Because I will always fall in love with the wrong man
Or trust the wrong person.
Enter my fiancee.
He met me not even a week after I made a decision I regretted.
And if I am being honest?
I still don't feel like I deserve to be happy.
My heart still waits to be broken
Even if I am the one who breaks it.
But one thing the Word says that I cling to,
"The heart is deceitful above all things." BUT "Jesus is greater than our hearts"
My heart tells me all the time I will ruin this.
It reminds me every day of what happened yesterday.
So that the future seems impossible
I guess I am writing this because when I think of my past I remember one promise Jesus promised me over and over. I will send you a man who loves you like I do. No one exemplifies Jesus love to me better than Derick. And Jesus loves better than anyone else I know,
Even writing this, scares me because I keep wondering what if I ruin it?
I guess I am writing this as a declaration of faith because I am not capable of ruining the plans God has for me. And Derick? He is the sweetest plan God has ever laid out for me. I am writing this to say goodbye to who I was.
Goodbye to the depressed me. The heartbroken me. The tears every night me. The "he led me on again me"
Goodbye to dreaming of the day life ended.
Goodbye to toxic friendships, fear driven decisions and holding myself accountable for choices that weren't mine.
My Derick is precious and I cling to that
And I choose to say not only goodbye to the past
But hello the future
Friday, May 5, 2017
Those who know me know that I strive to be very intentional with the things I write. As a woman who never thought about her wedding day, my first thought after saying yes to Derick was "I want our wedding photos to have a hashtag that will reflect our vows, who we are, and what this means." After much thought, we agreed on "Handicappily ever after."
Every day these words mean more to me. I fell in love with this hashtag for multiple reasons which I wanted to tell you about.
Firstly, Derick has been the restoration of many things in my life. But one of the best things D gave me was the ability to live in my identity as a disabled woman without shame or question. Being with D has shown me what a special thing it is to occupy the world of the disabled. From asking bus drivers about their families, to having an instant community of people who are all learning what it means to be different in a world that screams for conformity, being disabled is special. It is so sweet to experience that with someone who occupies the same special place.
Secondly, I do intend to live with D forever after. But Happy seems like such a paltry word for what we have. We are not always happy. I am not always the glorious glittery princess I wish I was. I get anxious, I get easily frustrated if something out of my control happens. I need to start carrying Snickers in my purse because my man gets hangry. But we aren't just going to live happily ever after. We are going to live HANDICAPpily ever after.
This means when his chair breaks down, or my mind goes crazy, or the bus is late or the government fails, I choose him. It means when I am tired, or overthinking, or can't turn my brain off he chooses me. It means we choose each other with all of our handicaps, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't want "happily ever after" I want Handicappily. Because this love is real, even when the happy part is harder to come by. I want D when I am happy. I want him when I'm sad. I want him when I am angry or tired or anxious. I want D to want me with all my handicaps. But most of all, I want him to know that I am there for him the same way. I am there when he is happy, sad or angry. The beauty of handicapply ever after? CP is until heaven, the same way our love is...and man...what a miracle that is.
Here's to Handicapply