Three words have been echoing in my mind all week, "Know Your Value." After a rough few days my boyfriend very patiently told me I had to know my value if I was going to do the things, and be the person God called me to be. Yet, I found myself nearly incapacitated by fear of what may happen.
For those who don't know, my precious Aunt Tina had a stroke last week. The doctors were not sure what was going to happen and the ER doctor has called what happened with my aunt a miracle. She is walking, and doing all of the everyday tasks on her own.
Before I knew she was going to be okay I had one reaction: Utter fear (with a healthy dose of angry nausea thrown in). I had just recently said "See You Later" to my Aunt Mary, I sure wasn't ready to do it again. And, mistrust began to spew from my mouth, "I can't do this! I can't! I need my Aunt Tina the same way I always have: I need her to laugh with me, and chat with me and make fun of Uncle Robby with me, and most of all I need her to remind me the way only she can of what childlike faith (which she has in abundance) looks like because somewhere in the past 8 years I had forgotten. Somewhere along the way I had bought into the lie that Jesus only had painful plans for me.
This week I have spent loving on her I have gotten all of those things. She has laughed with me. chatted with me, and we have both teased Robby. As I have watched her the past few days the sheer number of lies I have believed has become clear to me:
"God has only painful plans for me. I am not capable of anything good. If I am never going to be a mom I will not matter." But sitting in the room with her today Truth slammed into me the way only
Our God is a God of details: I am certified to teach English as a Second Language. I have been able to use those skills to help Tina relearn what a powerful force her words are.
My whole life I have always had such a special relationship with each of my aunts. God has always drawn me to want to invest in them. As I prayed about all that has happened with my aunts recently I heard the Lord whisper, "Even if you never get to be a mom, you will be the aunt that changes B and EK's lives.
Due to my lack of physical healing from CP I have always struggled with the miraculous side of physical healing: One look at Tina has shown me this week that the physically miraculous is not only possible, it's a side of God I need to value more.
Our God is a GOOD God. And as Tina and Robby thanked me for using the skills that I enjoy to help someone I adore it hit me, aunts change lives. My aunts have always changed mine. And I told Tina "If anyone knows how to fight to relearn things, it's me. We can do this together. We have always been close, this just adds a new level to our closeness." And I realized: From CP to English as a Second Language, from Mercy to now, Jesus has directed my steps and even though I still have moments of fear I choose to trust He will continue to do so. Because, we are in this together.