Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Stories No One Tells: The Miracles that Don't Happen The Way We Expect

This week I have been bombarded with memories and images I would rather forget. Tearstained pillows, pill bottles beckoning my name, wooing me with the simplicity it takes to breathe one's final breath, and hate, so much hate for the little girl inside of me that had no idea what a life without dysfunction looked like. A little girl who felt like she had the whole world on her shoulders and had let it down in it's entirety.

I found my heart heavy with one question: Why do I remember it like it just happened when I have been walking in 5 years of glorious hard fought freedom? And as I thought through it I realized there are two reasons:
The Lord wants me to tell the stories no one else tells, the truths that come when He comes in the most unexpected way.
You can only change the world when your heart breaks right alongside His.

There was a time in my life when because Jesus did not come in a miraculous way and take away the pain in my body, and the memories in my mind I thought He didn't do miracles for me, but He did. Sometimes miracles come in sacrifice. Miracles come when you put it all on the line, everything you ever wanted and He gives you so much more. But most of all, miracles come when you allow His presence to come in whatever way He wants.

For me, my miracles sometimes come in the things that I once hated most.

CP. Yes, Cerebral Palsy has rapidly become one of the biggest miracles God worked in my life. He took something that robbed me of the life I thought I always wanted and used it to show me the incredible life He wanted to give me instead.

I fully believe that if Jesus wanted my feet to run He could heal me and I could run a marathon tomorrow, but maybe healing isn't the miracle He wants to perform.

Maybe the miracle comes in quietly, so I have to pay attention.

Maybe the miracle comes when my nieces learn to see differences as a blessing, a way to help instead of a burden the way I always feared they might.
Maybe the miracle comes in knowing even if I am sore tomorrow He still has a plan.
Maybe the miracle comes when I board the bus and get to talk to the lady on dialysis about who my Jesus is.
Maybe the miracle comes in the life I am living, instead of the life I thought I wanted.

There are still miracles I long for that are not happening the way I wish they would. But here is what I am confident in: Jesus loves me. And He is there in the heartbreak. And He is faithful, and His pen writes the stories no one tells...the stories with a happily forever after ever every soul dreams of:
And I will rest in that

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Me Before You: A Complete Misuse of a Glorious Idea

'I went to see "Me Before You" with Derick and it aroused a righteous anger in me so deep I have to come out publicly and say some things.

For those unfamiliar with the plot Me Before You features a disabled romantic lead  (his disability came later in life) who falls in love with a girl and opts to end his own life because he remembers her life with a perfect body (life before her) and has decided his disability makes his life not worth living. He opts to surrender his power of attorney and take his life in the end.

As D and I sat in that theater processing the movie my only emotion was one of being TICKED OFF.

How DARE society promote a view of life that says if your body isn't perfect, and you have a disability life is worthless. I spent too many years believing that lie, I am not going to pretend that it's okay for the rest of society to promote it as "truth."

Having said that, let me tell you about my life WITH a disability and the WONDERFUL aspect of having my own palsy prince.

We have bus drivers that are like family, I know all of their kids names.
We win every time we do laundry, every time we cook together (Cough "he cooks" cough)
We win every time we are together just because it means we have learned the VALUE of dependence.
We have a blast getting places on his "hot wheels" and every time I fall, I laugh a little because we always make such an incredible entrance.

My heart breaks a little that the world has come so far that they would look at my life and my love and think I have the right to take my own life, or that I would want to. NO ONE has that right.

Yes, my boyfriend and I have it a little bit more difficult than someone with the "perfect body" that is apparently so desirable. Yes, we are awkward and imperfect and loud and wobbly. YES. And you know what?

I would not change a single thing for all of the "perfect" in the world because we are palsy perfect and it is wonderful.
I chose life. And, my Jesus made me exactly as He meant to.
Me Before You made one fatal mistake: They overlooked the beauty of a life that someone actually fought for.
I fought because my life means something. I fought for these moments I am experiencing with Derick. And he fights for me too. And Jesus fought for both of us. And if you choose to overlook the beauty of the choice and the fight you lose.

Here's to being perfectly imperfect and enjoying every moment of it.