Monday, January 4, 2016

Spiritual Children, Pain & Purpose

Around a year ago I started a new job homeschooling our pastor's daughter...I had no idea how that would change my life. In so many ways, our hearts echo each other in pain, beauty, glory and purpose. This year has been one of the most painful, most poignant, most adventurous I have ever experienced.
I have had my heart broken, have started picking up the pieces, have been to Haiti and Nigeria, Austin and Lubbock
And each moment memories have surfaced...memories I would rather forget. Memories of dreams turning into nightmares, stress fractures, pillows wet with tears, and so many days I wanted to give up. Days where the only thing that sounded good was going to bed and never getting up. The heartbroken girl whose life didn't seem worth living sometimes sneaks into my mirror reminding me of all the things I would rather forget.
Sometimes it's hard to remember what I am fighting for. I was having just such a moment the other day when Z asked me, "Sarah, do you think you went through CP,  all of your suicidal and depressed moments so that you could understand other people's heartbreak? Do you think He did that so that I could be like your spiritual child?"
And I said, "No, but I do think Jesus works all things together for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
And the more that I reflected on the time I have spent with her, the more I realized how many heartbroken people I have held in the past year. And in a strange way, I am comfortable in the things most people don't want to face.
And I know that if Jesus has chosen to use CP to give me that gift then even in my most heartbreaking experiences that's okay. I wouldn't trade all of the tears, hugs, questions, and disagreements I have had with my sweet Z for anything.
I have been surrounded by many things lately that remind me that life is a choice. And the one thing I am confident in this year is that heartbreak and all: I have lived. And even if all I do is live, even in that the Satan loses.
He has stolen, killed, and destroyed so many things, but I know that Jesus is here to pick up the pieces. 5 years ago I chose life, and no part of me regrets that. I suppose I am writing this post to say: Here is to 2016, whatever it brings. I choose life, and in that Satan, you lose.
And also I am so thankful for Zoe :)

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