Monday, October 19, 2015

The Day I Mattered: A Post for the Heartbroken

"Sarah, what do I do about this guy? Sarah, why am I so anxious all the time? Sarah, I never feel pretty enough, Sarah, he broke up with me..."
Looking into the eyes of the freshman girls around me while they poured their hearts out, I was instantly transported to that time in my life...the days I have always wanted to forget and the words I never could...
Around the same age as these girls I had this guy, this guy that I knew wasn't right for me, but I so didn't care, because he was so cute and I was so frumpy and lonely and I didn't care that he was manipulative and hurtful as long as he was mine, no matter how slippery my grip was. Until the day he said the words I have never forgotten, "I can't be seen in public with you...I don't want people to know I'm with you because I am ashamed of you. You really aren't pretty enough to be with me." BAM. Bomb detonated. And the shattered pieces of my heart didn't matter anymore because I was just numb. So when he asked for pictures I sent them because I wasn't worth a lot anyway, and he when he ignored me I thought I deserved it, and when he flirted with other girls I knew it was because I wasn't enough, and I never would be.
As they asked me their questions I remembered like it was yesterday the mistakes I made and the heart that felt like it would never heal.
And I felt the Lord whisper, "All things work together for good...tell them, Sarah. Tell them the truth. Tell them who I am."
So I told them. I told them my story. I told them things I had no intention of telling them. And the whole time I felt tears burn the back of my eyes because I knew their value and for the first time I came face to face with the days I should have known mine. 
And then I told them what Jesus knew the whole time.
Jesus and only Jesus should define our value. His love is greater than any picture you send, any sin you commit, any moment in time where your heart freezes with the thought that you are not enough, that you don't matter, and that your life is determined by your mistakes. I told them that Jesus loves them always, no matter what, because they are His.
And I felt Him say, "Do you know that? Do you live like that?" In realizing how much their hearts matter I realized mine does too.
And in that moment I felt a long frozen part of my heart begin to thaw, and I told them...
This, this is who my Jesus is, so patient...even when I am still discovering who I am.
And all those days, and all those words, and all of the numb suddenly mattered because in telling them my story I am confident Jesus knows the end of theirs the same way He knows the end of mine, and even the heartbreak matters. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, if I had never been broken I would never have known the glorious redemption of Jesus putting me back together.
And that? That's what matters about me. I am His. Nothing else matters.