From visiting my Aunt Mary to sitting on the bus for people with disabilities to getting what I believe to be my second stress fracture in the opposite foot this time, a question has been slapping me in the face, a question I have spent my entire life avoiding...if God is good...then why?
Why do people who love Him lose their minds? Why do I wake up sore every day? Why do parents lose their children? Why?
Over the years I have had many reasons to ask that question, and in my search I have heard many different responses,
"We live in a fallen world. TRUE. Still not comforting. We have an enemy. TRUE. Yet brings my soul no peace." "People need God as a crutch, even if down deep they know He is not real." FALSE.
People do need God. But to accuse Him of being a crutch for the weak is to overlook what true strength is, and to accuse those of us who love Him of using Him as a crutch is to overlook something key:
I use a walker, which serves a similar function as a crutch so go with me for a minute to the question no one wants to ask.
Walkers/Crutches follow the lead of the person.
Walkers are convenient.
I am about to say something that may get me in trouble. Every once in a while (in a blue moon as they say in Texas), I wish I didn't believe He existed. Because then, there is no reason why, there is no One to question and I am in control.
But as far as I have run, as often as I have plugged my ears, as many times as I have held broken women while they wept over losses that didn't make sense, every. single. time. I know one thing...He is real, and He loves, and He is often drastically inconvenient.
If He is a crutch, He is the most inconvenient crutch ever.
I follow His lead, He doesn't follow mine. And sometimes, He takes me places I never want to go.
I never wanted to have a disability. I never wanted to struggle with depression, and dwell in the possibility of suicide, I never wanted to watch someone I love slowly lose their memory.
But here's what I know:
No answer to the why question is going to make pain okay, only heaven will do that.
The only thing that matters in the midst of pain is the Who.
And the only way to find that Who, and know
Is to remember Calvary and trust the cross.
God is not the author of evil, which begs the question, is He passive?
But I can tell you from experience, He is absolutely not.
Depression has led me to know what true joy feels like.
Disabilities have led me to the reality that I need Jesus, and I need people.
And, only in wanting to end my life did I understand what a gift it is to breathe.
If He came down today and gave me all of the reasons I have CP, it wouldn't matter because really the why doesn't matter, the who matters.
And I know Him.
And He comforts my heart.
And He may not be safe, but He's good. (Thanks again C.S. Lewis)
When I think about why, I know the Who,
and Calvary speaks for itself.