I have been in a crazy difficult season, under attack in all ways. From stress fractures to heartbreak my soul has echoed with one cry, "Why do I trust You?" That's a question I have been scared to ask because it has been reminiscent of the little girl I used to be who firmly believed that God was actively opposed to her happiness.
Today my bedroom walls echoed with verbal abuse I unleashed on the Lord. "You promised...You promise, and here I sit limping and angry and sore and tired, and alone." I've made a lot of mistakes lately that were very much part of my past. I keep hearing this verse echo in my soul, “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her."
And I realize, it's not Him that I don't trust, it's me. I am weak. I want to settle for second best. And He keeps telling me I'm worth more..." But my heart tells me I may as well just settle for mediocre.
An opportunity I feel I am supposed to pursue has opened up in Nigeria, and everything in me feels like it is another dream that's going to fall through. The way most little girls dreamed of their wedding I dreamed of getting on a plane, or pirate ship and going overseas to reach the poor and wounded of the nations.
Part of me wishes I could want the normal "happily ever after," the normal story, but I know that the only reason I want that is so I can feel like I fit in.... but if I choose to fit in, I will always wonder what might have been.
Believing in a different happily ever after has been a mourning process. Laying down my desire to fit in, letting go of a community of people I no longer fit in with in order to pursue other community, choosing to trust Jesus when nothing in me wants to, the season I am in has truly been a wilderness. And the thing about the wilderness? It's lonely. But venting to Jesus today about how lonely I am I am reminded that He too often withdrew to a lonely place.
Experience has taught me not to believe in happily ever after. As I vented about all of this to my brother from another mother he said, "Sarah, you're not who you used to be." Here's what I will say, I may not be who I used to be, but I can't do this alone anymore. I can't be strong all of the time. As I told the Lord all of this I keep feeling guilty, but Jesus didn't make me to be strong all the time. And as I talked to Joel, I realized he has become one of my "lines of defense." Jesus gave me time with Joel and Ashley today so that I wouldn't have to be "the strong one," all the time, so that the wilderness would be a place I withdraw too, not a place I dwell in.
I have no true answers about my future, and my heart is still broken, but this I know : Jesus heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, and someday I will live happily ever after.