Monday, May 11, 2015
The Truth About Regret, Fear, and the Prayer I Wish I Never Prayed
I have been putting off writing this post for weeks because it makes me vulnerable, it shows my real, it is something I feel like other people need to know too. I know this because of the major fear I have in writing it. I always know I need to write something if I am scared to write it because it is usually the enemy telling me what I have to say isn't worth it, or is too honest...or that I am not worth it. But in my pursuit to overcome, this is a part of my testimony I feel like people need to know.
When I first began to write I made the Lord a promise that if He would allow me to write (with a pen like all my friends) everything I ever wrote would be an attempt to bring Him glory. This post is a result of that promise.
Freshman year one of my leaders urged us to think about what we wanted in a marriage, and for a future. I told her that I didn't want marriage - and at that stage I didn't even know if I wanted to live (though I didn't tell her that). She told me to think about one thing I was sure I wanted, and pray for that...being the writer and reader I am, I only knew one thing beyond doubt, I wanted my life to be a story. I wanted crazy plot twists, I wanted character depth, I wanted to have no idea what was coming next. I wanted a story. And if I was going to marry someone, and have a long life I wanted it to be something I never saw coming.
And man has He delivered. I never have any idea what in the world is happening in my life, and I know it's because I asked Him to make my life a story. Sometimes, that's a prayer I wish I didn't pray. Especially lately. If I am being totally honest, this is the most confusing, painful, incredible, alive season I have ever experienced.
I am bold in a lot of things, my clothes, my mouth, my tattoos, all point to a brave girl. But honestly? I spend a lot of my time terrified. I have to walk carefully so that I don't regret who I was. I was rebellious, angry, hurtful, and so so guarded. And I hurt a lot of people because I was drowning in my own pain.
This past year I made a conscious choice, the choice to live with my heart awake. And in so doing, I experienced a level of grace and brokenness I didn't even know was possible. Love, real, true, forever kind of love is a risk. And, sometimes, when you jump, you get hurt. And, I have definitely gotten hurt.
I have wanted to wrap my nieces in bubble wrap so they never get hurt, to take back saying those words, because they make you vulnerable. But here's what I have realized love only hurts because I have chosen to live alive. I have chosen to risk.
And sometimes, the shut off little girl I used to be whispers, "you were so much safer by yourself, so much safer not caring."
And she's right. But being safe, is not living, it's existing.
And I lose everything I stand for if I don't risk love.
When I was praying about all of this I felt the Lord whisper, "I know you hurt, but do you remember when you felt absolutely nothing? When you numbed yourself so completely nothing and no one else mattered? This time you hurt because you're alive, and Sarah, life is the destiny I have for you, full life, with all of its emotions.
So in spite of the tears and pain of this season, I choose to love others, wholly, completely, with all that I am. Because I am alive, and this season is still life - and life abundant. I write all of this to say, when regret sneaks in, I will remember who I used to be, so that I can remember that love is a risk worth taking.
And Jesus came that I can have life, and have it, to the full. I have a choice, and today, I choose life.