I just got off the phone with my mama. All I could say was "I'm sad." She encouraged me to turn on worship music and figure out what was going on. As I have considered, and poured my heart out, I realized, sad is the wrong word. I am more overwhelmed. My reality and my dreams have collided. My life verse is Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." And lately, He has been asking me to do some things that I keep thinking I absolutely can't.
Years of surgeries, years of fear, years of lies spoken, years of acting out in dysfunctional behavior because I felt worthless have all taught me to guard myself, to do it alone, to not want.
When Jesus wooed my heart, He asked me to dream, to love, to hope, to surrender.
And lately it's like I can't.
Because down deep where it matters, the wounded little girl I was whispers. "Everything is a fight. You're not worth a lot, none of your dreams are meant to come true."
About 6 months ago I didn't get a job I desperately wanted. Weeping in the car because it was yet another dream I regretted dreaming, my mama asked me a question. "Sarah, there has to be something else, something you want to do with your life, what is it?
Through tears I whispered, "I want to move overseas and teach ESL." We mourned the seeming impossibility of that dream and I continued working on my Masters.
Fast forward 6 months. My daddy ran into someone who is over one of the orphanages we support at Beltway and she asked if he knew any ESL teachers When he told her that I was certified she remembered meeting me and because she has a son with Cerebral Palsy she totally understood what that was like. She encouraged daddy to talk to me about visiting their Hati site to see if that was something I would want to do long term. I instantly said yes and about a month later all of the details were finalized. I leave for Hati in a month to visit for a week and see if it's something I want to do when I graduate in December. Disclaimer: I may go and decide I have no desire to be that far away from my family, but the fact that I even have the opportunity to consider it leaves me on the verge of tears.
As awed as I am at God's faithfulness, fear has began to creep in. Not about my ESL dream, about this other dream. Because as faithful as He has been in this season, there is another dream I have been dreaming that scares me more than any other dream I have ever dreamed. And I am mad at Him because He keeps asking me to surrender it, and trust Him. And I'm scared.
With all that I am I want a family. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I want to say vows. I want to not have to be strong all the time.
And I don't want to want these things.
Because I am scared. As faithful as He has been with the ESL thing my heart still feels broken in so many ways because of the insanely bumpy road it took to get here. And I keep thinking, I can't dream like this again. It hurts too much.
But here's the deal, in so many little ways, when I'm paying attention, He tells me I can. I can trust Him with this part of my heart too,
Ways like Berkley calling me "Mama" because she wants to pretend like she's my darling.
Like Ellie saying "Up I hold you." And getting her out of her crib.
Like the way they want to help me put on my brace, and ride my walker, and the way after I babysat for a few hours the other day B said "Aunt Sarah, you did such a wonderful job today, you did so many new things all by yourself."
Like the way for the first time ever I feel like I am actually capable of falling in love, which I swore for a decade was impossible.
But I keep telling Jesus, "I can't. I can't live this alive, I can't."
And he whispers "This is what I made you for."
And he uses Geoffrey saying "You can absolutely be a mom, I don't know why you would ever doubt that." And Joel saying "You are the strongest woman I have ever met."
And Sarah, precious Sarah, taking me in her home every day to show me how to be a Christ like wife and mom.
And I think sometimes I get overwhelmed because for the first time ever I am realizing what it means to truly live.
Wholeheartedly, completely, vulnerable.
And as crazy emotional as I am I keep remembering who I used to be
And I feel Jesus whisper, "We have got this. You can do it."
It's an overwhelming feeling when the God of the Universe loves you enough to give you your dreams and whisper that He's proud of you.
So even when it's hard and I am sore and sad and overwhelmed and broken
My heart rests in the sweet promise
Of all things.