“And the Walls came tumbling down…”
I have had this song stuck in my head this evening. Retelling the story of the Battle of Jericho, and this is the last line….
Every time I heard this story as a kid I always identified with the Israelites, feeling hot and sweaty and angry….trusting God, questioning God, worshipping God, mad at God, all on a continuous loop.
As I have grown older, I have realized something…I am more like Jericho.
This city had so many beautiful things inside the Israelites couldn’t believe it. They didn’t feel worthy to possess all that was inside, and they ran away from the enemies that were lurking within the walls, enemies that felt too big to face.
I used to be scared to look in the mirror because of the scarred, scared angry little girl looking back at me.
The enemy of my own experience, my falls, not being able to tie my shoes, play a sport, go anywhere without people staring, all these emotions with no idea what to do with them…every single thing was a battle. Every time I looked in the mirror all I could think was…
I am going to lose. I don’t want to fight a battle I can’t win.
Going to Mercy I began to fight the battle, and a lot of battles were won.
But not the walls.
I still had walls.
I won’t be dependent on anyone else. I won’t love anyone else. I will share only X part of my heart. I will keep myself safe…safe within these walls…Of mistrust, anxiety, fear…because I can control my pain if I keep people out of all my mess.
Re hearing this story as an adult getting ready to teach it to my precious 8th grade girls, something occurred to me. The Israelites won this battle, and brought the walls down with two steps.
Trusting God and making noise.
Noise is in my life everywhere, every day, all the time. Noise telling me Poor thing. It’s not fair. Why?
And I began to feel the Lord making noise in my heart. The noise of my nieces laughing, their quiet I love you’s and gentle kisses.
The noise of my brother (sometimes yelling) to SPEAK LIFE OVER YOURSELF)
The noise of my sister in law telling me “You were meant to be a mom.”
The noise of my mom and I talking about the past and extending grace.
The noise of my daddy laughing and my little brother walking me to the door after a night of games.
The noise of African children and refugees.
And the noise made me dream….
And with those dreams
And I gave into fear.
I can’t want a family. I can’t want marriage. I can’t want the nations…what about CP? What about my independence? How on earth will I care for children? I am not the “wife” type. I hate cooking and cleaning exhausts me. And going to the nations…Lord have you seen my feet? But most of all…
The noise of being scared.
I spent the first half of my life not dreaming. And it was safe. But you know what? It wasn’t God’s will. Betsie Ten Boom said “There are no places that are safer than other places The only safe place is the center of God’s will.
I am in a crazy season. I’m emotional all the time. I love people with all I am. My nieces are basically my whole world. And my dreams? They terrify me.
But I am slowly learning to make noise,
Saying I love you.
Telling stories to my nieces
And my testimony to hurting women.
Crying (Yes, I cry now).
And slowly slowly
My walls have tumbled down
And the view is pretty great from here
Even though I have some rebuilding to do.