In two months it will be 5 years since I graduated from Mercy Ministries. I will never forget the heartbroken girl I was. Using my hat to cover my tear filled eyes, my ripped jeans a reflection of my ravaged soul. I was there because all I could think was "I just want this to be over. I just want to stop hurting. I just want my life to be finished" I felt like I couldn't breathe. But Jesus wouldn't let me give up. I was there for 6 months.
6 months that would forever change my life.
This month has been one of the most difficult I have ever experienced. As I cried the other day, mourning all of the unexpected moments, the surrender of staying in Abilene for an extra year, the closing of a chapter in my life I wasn't ready to end, the constant soreness and emotional exhaustion of CP I begged the Lord to come bring comfort and I heard Him whisper one thing...
This is what you fought for.
I broke down on my sister in law and some sweet friends the other night because I didn't feel independent enough, and because I had no idea what it was to be this emotionally vulnerable.
I feel like I spent the first half of my life sleepwalking because I was scared. Scared to feel, scared to want, flat plain out scared. My sister in law asked me "What is it you want from life?"
I realized I never thought I would live this long so I didn't know. The wounded little girl in me thinks independence on an island somewhere completely alone sounds pretty great.
The woman in me knows God is calling me to something deeper...greater...scarier. I am not the little girl I was, and even though I knew it would bring change, I wasn't ready for what choosing life would mean.
It means that independence isn't always a good thing.
It means I care deeper, I love more, I mourn differently.
It means my family matters, It means as my sister in law reminded me "You are definitely a daddy's girl." It means I finally know just how much my mama loves me, and it breaks my heart that it took me this long to understand.
It means I would lay down my life for my nieces without thinking.
It means when other girls hurt, I hurt with them.
It means I remember what it is to cry so hard and for so long you can't breathe....only so that when other people cry like that I can tell them about the glorious gift of Life.
It means for the first time ever I am asking myself (and Jesus) what I really want to do with my life because as a friend pointed out to me, perhaps the whole independence thing isn't what I actually want, and perhaps if I am honest I'll figure that out.
It means I am...awake,
Being awake is scary. My heart is intensely vulnerable because for the first time ever I am not shielding it, I am letting Jesus protect it instead.
So even though I have been crazy sad in some ways lately I can't help but remember, this is what I fought for.
And I wouldn't do anything differently.
Here's to being awake,
Isn't life lovely?