Pardon the Forrest Gump reference, Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain but I can't...thus today's post.
As I cleaned out my closet today I came across all sorts of things. Bows I forgot I had, pants that no longer fit and random papers with notes I had long ago forgotten writing. I hate cleaning. I hate throwing things away, I hate how messy my normally clean room looks when I am attempting to organize what I actually need and what is
As I sent my mom a picture of the chaos that my room had become, I couldn't help but become reflective. Getting rid of jeans that were two sizes too big made me remember when I had to buy them big just to be able to button them on my own. Re hanging my glitter tops made me realize just how much I have always loved things that sparkle.
And I couldn't help but think life is a lot like cleaning out your closet. There are some parts of it you wish you could forget. Some ripped and tattered things you wish weren't in there. And there are some you wish you could hold onto forever. That skirt may not fit anymore but I sure felt comfortable in it once. And that jacket I'm supposed to wear makes me super uncomfortable but I probably need to give it a chance. In order to make room for new clothes you have to get rid of old ones.
Life is like that. In order to get whatever God has for me I have to let go of whatever I'm holding to, even if it is something I absolutely love that isn't what He has for me.
I had all these dreams. I was going to move to New York, or Africa, or Kalamazoo,,,anywhere but here. I was going to be independent....completely. Just me, a subway station and a random Russian novelist, and it was going to be great. It became my go to daydream.
As I cleaned out my closet today I cried. Because I don't daydream anymore. Not because I don't want too, but because I don't know what to dream of, I don't know what I want life to look like. And as I cried, I felt the Lord whisper, "Finally! Finally you are completely you. Vulnerable and strong and happy and hurting all at once. Finally you are living, not just existing. And finally, finally you can stop dreaming your self-protective, self-destructive, dreams and ask Me for dreams.
And it hit me, only a handful of times in this entire awakening process have I asked Him. really truly asked Him what I'm supposed to dream of. Because I'm scared. I'm scared He will call me to stay when I want to go, or go when I want to stay. I'm scared He will ask me to engage instead of isolate and share myself instead of mask myself. I'm scared, Because I finally see my life is not mine. I gave it to Him.
And He dreams bigger than I ever could. I know it. And right now, let's just be real, I am a hot mess.
But as I thought about it I realized, I have a choice.
I trust Him, or I don't. I took my vows to Him seriously, or I didn't.
So today, I choose Him. I choose His dreams over mine. I choose life and blessings even if it means laying down everything I ever thought I wanted.
And tomorrow I will choose Him all over again.
And there will be tears and anger and questions and "What am I thinking?" moments. But there will also be "This is everything I never knew I always wanted" moments.
Life gets messy before it gets beautiful.
So here's to making a mess