Wednesday, January 7, 2015

All of the "What If's?" Learning to See the Unexpected as a Blessing

Lately satan has been torturing me.

All of my life I have played a dangerous game, a game that is so tempting, yet so terrible at the same time. It's like eating that last piece of chocolate pie when you know you are full, it tastes so good, but then you pay for it with some Pepcid AD's the "What if?" game.

"What if I didn't have CP? What if I didn't go to HSU for undergrad and Masters? What if I had never let depression get the best of me so that when I was 19 I had the same worries as a "normal" teenager? What if I had never pushed my parents away Freshman year of college? What if I had never wanted to end my life?
What if? What if? What if? The dangerous thing about this game is that I will never know. I will never know what might have happened. There are no winners at the "What If" game. All it does is make me sad, worried, angry and regretful.

I will tell you what I do know. Jesus has no "What if's?" When I ask Jesus "What if?" I am rejecting those moments that He planned for.
CP led me to celebrate the small things, to be vulnerable, and to know that only Jesus is the answer. Physical Therapy led me to some of my favorite people. Awkward falls led to some really sweet friendships, and of course CP led me to precious, unforgettable Carmina, my "foot twin."

HSU led me to professors who point me to Christ, acknowledge that they don't have all the answers, and are some of the wisest people I know. HSU led me to my soul sister who travelled to Africa and back with me because of a "random" table on campus, and a motorized scooter that I decided I wasn't afraid to use to get around.

Depression led me to Mercy, and some of the strongest women I have the privilege to call sisters. Depression threw me into the arms of Jesus. And it was only after I fought the battle for my life and won that I knew what a gift Jesus had given me when He breathed into me the breath of life.

Not being a "normal" teenager led me to realize that so many teens are hurting and don't know who to go to because their worries are so beyond junior high and high school. It led me to the 8th Grade girls I lead now, all of whom are "different," and all of whom I love with all my heart.

Pushing my parents away Freshman year at HSU led me to treasure our relationship now, and to know that nothing and no one are beyond redemption. I am safe in my parents love because like the prodigal they ran to embrace me as soon as they saw me on the road home.

All of the lies the enemy whispers only make me fight harder for truth. And now? Now I will never settle for just okay.

My life now is different than I ever thought it would be. For starters, I am alive and loving it. I used to think my whole life would be a sad and anxious lost battle to the end. I live independently (which both my parents and I are thankful for... they can't welcome me home if I never left). I am still in Abilene and though it's not what I planned, I am learning to be okay with it. I want to get married (which once would have been more nightmare than dream). I babysit all by myself, and am learning what being a mom and wife will look like with CP thanks to my precious brother and sister in law who are more than willing to let me "practice" on their girls.

I still have some "What If's?" But I guess the point of this blog is to remind myself that Jesus really does have plan A for me. He doesn't look at me and think, "What if?" He looks at me and says "Here you go Sarah, let me rain down some glitter for you. We sure have fun even though sometimes it's dark." And since I'm pretty confident He knew I was gong to write this blog...Hey Jesus? Thanks for that.

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