Tuesday, January 6, 2015

A Thank You to Those Who Have Let Me Be Vulnerable. Thanks for Helping Me Glitter

"I will give you the treasures of darkness hidden in secret places so that you may know that I am the Lord your God who has summoned you by name. Isaiah 45:3

This Christmas break has been hard. It brought a lot of unexpected dark lots of questions, a few tears, and some silence. I have a shower chair (like I am 60), I have to shop with a walker or chair and still can't change sheets..) All of these moments break a part of my heart. I have shared my Mercy journey 3 times (the number of completion) over the break with women in the midst of a search for strength and truth. The ironic thing is I have never felt less like I am strong enough to share my story, to point these women to my Jesus, because the truth is, I often feel like I have nothing left to give. I feel like I am an impostor. telling them truth while lies still scream in my soul.

"You are useless. You are ugly. You are not smart enough. Your dreams are so far out of your league it's laughable." These lies play a repeat chorus every day. And some days I make the right choices, and some days I curl up on myself and let them play havoc in my mind.

The point is, it's dark lately. Life doesn't change. I have cuts on my knees, I took some chances that backfired but down deep where it matters, I know something I didn't know before. Jesus loves me. The glorious thing about how dark it has been the past month is that I have been given some "treasures" because of the darkness.

I have learned that just because Jesus is quiet, it doesn't mean He's far away. I have realized that trust is a choice, and when Jesus chose me, He chose me forever, and I intend to choose Him forever too.
I have learned that Jesus is my safe place, and letting go of things you never thought you would have to, could just bring you the destiny you never knew you were headed toward.

I have learned that CP really, truly doesn't define me. When my nieces look at me, they only see "Aunt Sarah" who they want to crawl all over, read with, and play "Mama" for as many hours as I have.  I have learned that my family really, truly, forever, loves me. And for the first time ever, I feel safe loving them back. (B thinks my walker is pretty cool, and EK sure doesn't mind sitting in my lap when we go to the zoo.)

Testimonies only have power if in the midst of telling them, people are willing to be vulnerable. So, here is my vulnerability.
I still have "This isn't fair" moments. I still cry, question, and get angry. Even so, I choose Jesus. I choose the treasures I have found in the dark. Instead of isolating like I would have in my past, I choose to be honest. I choose to surround myself with people who will love me in all my mess. I choose my family. I choose to go forward instead of back. I choose to believe I am worth it. I choose to believe for healing in all areas, even when I feel sick and wounded.
I choose Life. I choose Jesus. He is the only choice I know I will never regret.
No matter what,
When you choose life in the dark,
it glitters.

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