Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Waving Adieu to 2014

I love New Years. New starts, memories, lessons learned. In short…hope and purpose. Two of my favorite things. This year has been insanely difficult. From school to work, to letting go of old dreams in pursuit of new ones, this year has probably been one of the strangest I have ever experienced.
The Bible says we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. So, that's what this post is for.
This year has brought new meaning to the Bible's promise that "His strength is made perfect in weakness." I have never felt so weak in my life. As I fell in love with my sweet second niece this year I realized I have never felt so vulnerable either. From hearing B's sweet voice call me "Mama," to holding EK when she reached for me, I felt a part of my heart awaken that I thought long dead…the desire for motherhood.
Vulnerability.
From seeing the beautiful marriage that my brother and sister-in-law share and finding a place of safety in their home, my heart begin to thaw. And this thawing brought with it, fear. What was happening to me? I always felt more comfortable alone. And all of the sudden…God brought new longing, a longing for community…family…
Vulnerability.
Asking my parents for help, my brothers for hugs, my sister-in-law for prayer. Jesus for guidance.
Vulnerability.
So many things have happened this year. Things that made my soul scream "Unfair!" My body has bruises from falls I didn't even know I took. My heart has wounds I don't even understand. And the old lies the enemy used to whisper don't work anymore, so he has come up with new ones. New lies that sting, new battles.  This year has brought a lot of dark.
Vulnerability.
Here's the wonderful thing about being vulnerable…I still win.
Trust is a choice. Life is a choice. A wonderful, confusing, so worth it, choice.
I told a dear friend of mine yesterday that I had never been so emotional in my life to which she said "Welcome to being human."
And it hit me. Up until this year my life has been lived in "Self-protection" mode. To be safe, I had to not feel, not want, not dream, not mourn. In no way was I allowed to be vulnerable. But, this year? This year was different. So many things have happened that in my past would have made me shut down.  The loss of a job I really wanted, the continuous loop of struggle that is CP, the letting go of old friendships, the living in a fallen world.  But this year? This year I have been vulnerable, emotional, teary, lonely, and every single second of it has been worth it, so worth it.
As I talked to my brother yesterday he checked to see how I was handling all these emotions (a new thing for me), and I said "It stinks, but even though I feel weak, I know I'm stronger than I think." He said, "That in itself shows how far you have come." And I have. I'm farther, deeper, stronger, and more purposeful than I ever dreamed I would be.
I'm ready to say goodbye 2014. But, I'm confident that 2015 will bring with it new dreams, new purpose, new friendships, and the fulfillment of age old promises. Because 2014 has taught me how to be vulnerable. 2014 taught me that life really does glitter when you choose it in the dark. I have made a lot of choices I wasn't confident in, but the one choice I will never regret, is life. A life spent believing in the Truth. Because though I have changed in 2014, He never does.

Bring on 2015!

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