I sat on the floor of my apartment this week with two dear friends of mine and said 3 words I never wanted to say again. "I'm falling apart." After going through treatment for depression I vowed to never be truly sad again because I was afraid of where that sadness might take me.
Because down deep where it matters sometimes I feel like I am depression. I am meant to be sad.
But I am. I am sad. I am sad that I'm in Abilene at 25 years old just beginning my Master's degree when all I have ever wanted was to leave. I'm sad that I am walking through life without a spouse because for the first time ever I see the value in having one.
I'm sad that my body makes everything so ridiculously difficult. I'm sad that I held Berkley for the first time standing up today and was only able to do so because I was in the pool.
I'm sad that freedom in daily life comes at the price of consistent, constant battle for many of my dear sisters.
I'm sad that I have to use an undependable bus system to get anywhere, and I'm sad that I buy into the lie sometimes that because of Cerebral Palsy my dreams will never come true.
My friend Mandie puts it beautifully when she says "I'm envious of your lives friends, I want what you have."
I don't want to want these things. I don't want the shadow that my heart feels when it remembers the little girl who so desperately wanted things to come easily just once.
But like Mandie, I choose life. I choose to know that tears are safe, and sad things (even CP things) are temporary.
I choose the arms of Jesus over the numbness of television and silence and thoughts from the enemy.
I choose to think of what I have accomplished rather than of how far I have to go.
I choose to be okay with grief.
I choose to remember how far I have come and acknowledge that I am NO LONGER bound by depression just because I'm sad sometimes.
I choose to believe that I am capable of stability and joy in every day.
I choose to remember that it's okay to need people.
I choose to remember the price Jesus paid for my freedom
And even in the Valley of the Shadow I choose to remember that the one whom Jesus sets free is free indeed.
I choose life.
I choose battle because the victory Jesus has for me will be greater than any grief.
In Redeeming Love Angel asks Hosea while God is putting him through all of the battles he is facing and he tells her "It's because I'm not yet strong enough for what is to come."
Heartbreaking battles come with incredible victories. And all of the most painful losses result in some of the most incredible gains. Every good story comes with grief. I choose the victory. I choose the gain. I choose the story.
I choose life. I choose me. I choose Jesus.