Jesus and I have had a ROUGH couple of months. Seriously, it has been awhile since I was this frustrated with someone. I love Jesus. So much. But sometimes things in my life wound me. Sometimes they don’t make sense. Sometimes I ugly cry into my pillow when no one is listening and sometimes I yell (and usually when I’m this frustrated I sin), it’s my way of saying “Look! I can do what I want to do!”
Coming back to HSU after Mercy was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, and staying to get my Master’s was harder still. My heart is not here. It beats to be somewhere else. My body is my worst enemy. So many of the things I long for are impossible thanks to Cerebral Palsy. I find myself in a constant war between faith and acceptance and it sucks.
I keep begging the Lord to call me out of Abilene (and heal my body) and He does not. When I was crying today something hit me though. When I became a Christian I accepted the reality that He lay down His life for me, and I surrendered my life to Him. I am not my own. I was bought with a price.
The reality is my life is His and I love Him and He loves me, no matter what this world brings. No matter what, when I made the commitment to Jesus I became His, and He became mine. So yes, I’m still hurt. Yes, I would do anything to be pretty much anywhere else, and yes sometimes I dream of what I would do if CP weren’t a factor in my life But I choose Jesus. I choose to let Him cry with me. I choose to let Him deal with my stubbornness. And while my body imprisons me I choose to echo the cry of Paul “11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
I don’t know why He doesn’t heal me. But I know Him – and I today I choose Him.
I don’t super enjoy the path He has me on, but today I choose life because He gave His life so that I would choose mine.
He knows the plans He has for me and no matter what my life looks like
He loves me with ALL that He is and He will give me the desires of my heart
because His heart is for me.