My life is at a place I NEVER dreamed it would be. Jesus loves me used to be a song that I sang, or a phrase that I occasionally saw on bumper stickers. But in my mind He didn't love me- He loved the face that I put on for everyone else. He didn't want to bless me because I was a mistake, an anomaly, something He pitied but didn't love. Depression, frustration and condemnation were my normal. Ultimately, I gave Him nothing so He couldn't love me. But true love is unconditional, eternal and truthful. True love is real. True love restores things you didn't even know you lost.
I was terrified to go back to Hardin-Simmons after Mercy because to me it symbolized failure, tears, and pain. When I step foot on campus now I am helping other struggling students find their voices, I am confident in my ability to do my schoolwork, and do it well, and I am able to be happy because the joy of the Lord is my strength.
I was also afraid that since I was a mistake my nieces would never love me because they would see my CP and know Jesus didn't care. Now-I am utterly and completely repentant that I could have at any point doubted the love of my Jesus-regardless of CP. My nieces see me for me. And they love me CP and all.
I was praying about how overwhelmed I felt at all this love and told the Lord "I don't understand why you keep blessing me, I don't deserve it. I sin, I question You, in spite of all You have done for me sometimes I don't trust You-How can You love me? How can all this joy be my normal?
And He brought a picture to my mind, a picture of two precious girls. Berkley and Ellie Kate. These girls have my whole heart, EVERY . SINGLE. PART. of it. And-they have done nothing to get it outside of being born. As soon as they were here, they had it. All of it! And I wanted to give them gifts and smile with them and cry with them and play with them and hold them solely because they were here-and they were themselves.
And I felt Jesus say "THAT is how I love you. You have My whole heart just because you're you. I want to play with you and hold you and cry with you and give you gifts solely because I love you with all that I AM-you cannot undo My love for you, nor do I have to have a reason to love you. I love you because you are Mine. I bless you because I AM love not because you do something to earn it.
Most of all remember this-this is your new normal because I am above all else for you. I am Good and you are Mine. I love you.
And I have never been more thankful for my nieces.