Tuesday, January 28, 2014

What I Want People to Know About My Father: My Journey to Honest Healing

39 And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised,40 since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect. Hebrews 11:39-40.
Mark 5:34 "Daughter, go in peace for your faith has healed you." 

More than anything I've ever been given, a realization of Jesus love is the most precious gift I could give anyone else. 
A few years ago I made a vow to myself to be content in who I was, to cease questioning why I had a disability, and to just live life content with that. 
I spent the years before that going to all the prayer meetings, laying in bed at night begging Jesus to take CP away and crying with guilt when nothing happened. 

Hear me, I love Jesus so much, but CP has always seemed like a gaping wound I didn't know what to do with, the "elephant in the room" if you will. So, I thought I would make it easier on Him (and me) by ignoring it. I didn't pray for healing. I didn't do much of anything. I just tried to convince myself that I was totally fine with everything it meant for my life. 

I learned how to be thankful for CP but that didn't mean that the wounded part lost its power. 

I keep feeling Jesus tell me "Sarah, just be honest..." So here is me unfiltered 

Here is my confession I AM ABSOLUTELY !00% NOT OK WITH CP. I am not okay with the looks, the scars, the falls, the way I have to make future decisions based on what my physical body says I can't do. I'm. not. ok. 

And admitting that is glorious. 

It is glorious because it means that my faith has already healed me. My faith has healed me from any unresolved bitterness, need to lie, or compulsive guilt complex. It is glorious because it means I trust my Father. 
I trust Him enough to pray for healing (and let others pray too) and know that if that nothing happens it is because He still has more for me to do.
I trust Him enough to make all of my dreams come true in spite of CP.

You know what else? It frees me to be me. To be sad with Him, to love Him and let Him love me. I don't know anyone that I love as much as I love my Jesus because He makes me ok with dealing with CP. He makes the falls seem funny rather than embarrassing, the limp seem special rather than awkward, and the looks seem like it's just because I'm that awesome (or, rather, HE is that awesome in me).

I want people to know how I really feel about CP because it is in acknowledging the weak and sad part of me that they know the beauty of my Father. It acknowledges the lovely release of my Father from having to do anything more than what He has already done to make me want to follow Him solely because I trust Him.

So, next time someone wants to pray for me that Jesus would take away CP, this is my way of saying, have at it! I'm genuinely content with whatever Jesus wants to do-and that is healing in and of itself.

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