Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Learning to Live the Life I Deserve: Mourning the Years Lost and FInding Freedom

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
2 Cor. 7:10

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted 
Matthew 5:4

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Eph. 3:20 

The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel (which means 'God is with us').

This post is to force myself to be brutally honest. 
I have been in a season of mourning. 
I mourn the lost years
of the little girl who was so hurt and angry
she forgot to dream
like other little girls. 
It is to mourn all the years
she spent pushing her parents away
and all the memories she never shared
because she was too wounded 
to be real. 
This post is to mourn
all the bruises and scars 
from falls no child should have to face,
all of the "What's wrong with you?" questions and stares
no one should have to listen to on repeat in their minds. 
This is to mourn the breaking point
when college started and instead of looking forward to it,
she waited
for nothing, save numbness and death. 
This post is to claim comfort for her because 
she had Immanuel
God with her
when she lay in bed
weeping and lived for 
closing her eyes at night because for a few hours she didn't have to 
This post is to tell that little girl
you are released. 
Released to dream 
of tomorrow. 
Released to tell the enemy,
you lose. 
Released to graduate college and move forward 
because you have Immanuel 
God with you 
when you remember,
God with you to give
above and beyond 
all you ever could ask or think. 
So when the enemy comes and whispers that this is not your life,
that you do not deserve all that I AM has blessed you with,
you tell him, 
"Immanuel...God with me
no matter what has been or will be...
Immanuel God with me to take this mess
and set me free. 
Immanuel, God with me
in fear and in memory
Immanuel, God with me 
He is who I speak for,
Immanuel...God with me,
He comes quietly
to comfort and restore. 
So though I mourn
I run the race and choose to dream
even though I remember the nightmare
because he will give me more
That little girl is stronger now
Immanuel, God with her
Here and now
she declares war. 
War against the enemy
to bring Immanuel 
God with her
into the broken, fearful places 
and the lost and hurting people,
to watch the life unfold
she never thought she would live
to believe all He has for her
to comfort those who mourn
Immanuel, God with her, 
as He takes the broken dead part of her heart
as calls it forth 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

A Post for the Cynics: Pain, the Elephant in the Room

I've seen and heard a lot of cynicism as far as the existence of God goes lately. So much so that I feel a need to respond.

To the cynical ones, I am not blind, deaf, or exempt from pain. I live in the exact same world that you do. Contrary to what you think I do not pretend to understand it: Nor do I shut my eyes and close my ears and pray it doesn't get close.

I have not made up a God to make myself feel better about the fact that my body is betraying me and I am in consistent pain.

I have not made up the anger I feel for Him, and the screams I've unleashed on Him in a desperate desire to be ok with who He is in the midst of pain

I also haven't made up the quiet, overwhelming peace that resides with me in some of the most unthinkable situations imaginable.

I didn't hallucinate His presence next to my bedside whispering to me to not end my life because another day was coming.

I was born blind, prayed over, and could see again...only one Hand could have done that.

That is not to say that He always makes sense to me. I get angry and wonder why, the difference is what I do with that anger...I cry out to the God I know, the God I love.

And I remember: His ways are higher than mine.
And maybe...just maybe... this world is not about me, and it's not about you.
Maybe it's about Him.

His love
His sacrifice
His glory

And maybe He knows that He is what's best for us,
no matter what.
And perhaps
this world is not all there is,
so to assume that you will see, and touch, and comprehend everything
right now
is utterly false.

I cannot prove to you He exists because you have no desire to see Him,
but I can tell you
I know Him
and our relationship is real
in all its love, frustration, sacrifice and pain.

And I can tell you
when He asks me
to stay in Abilene
and I don't want to
it hurts but I do it.

And it's worth it.

And I can tell you
I know my CP hurts Him
and me but somehow it's in His plan
no matter what comes next.

And even though I know I'm right
and He's real,
If I turned out to be wrong
I can tell you I would live my life
exactly the same way
because faith is worth it
and so is Jesus.

No matter what.