Monday, June 17, 2013

Sometimes It's Okay to Hurt

Hebrews 4:15A "We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses."

Today I'm falling apart. The thing I DESPISE about CP is that I can't control it. I can't control the way it makes my knees hurt, I can't control the way it controls my body's responses, and thanks to the fact that I don't drive (Thanks again CP) I can't control the "stuck" feeling I get when I need help, and the system around me doesn't keep their word.

I feel so weak and hurt and have a desperate desire to JUST once feel whole, instead all the time I battle the lie that I am less than, that because the world around me doesn't keep its promise I must not be worth keeping promises for. It is easy for me to want to spin CP and pretend like I have made it this positive thing because sometimes I can, but I never want it to seem like God is only good because I am able to make CP positive.

Today I came home and fell apart on Jesus, and you know what? It was WONDERFUL because He can SYMPATHIZE with me. He knows how to just let me be in my pain which I need sometimes. He knows that I am helpless and He holds me when I have nothing else to hold on to. As I have grown in my relationship with Him I see something WONDERFUL

He is God in my tears, He doesn't offer some kind of platitude to make everything okay, He doesn't speak when I'm not ready to hear it, He doesn't make me feel guilty for not always being able to see the positive. Sometimes I'm scared to go to Him because I don't want Him to be disappointed that my thoughts and my beliefs don't match up

But then I realize "perfect love casts out fear" and that's how He loves. It is not what He does, its who He is. He knows when I am going to fall apart because He already has His arms open, waiting. He knows when I'm mad at Him,  and you know what? He's God enough to handle my anger. He knows I want answers He is not going to share, and He is okay with that because His ways are higher than mine, but more than that He is my Daddy and there is no judgement, there is just sympathy and grace,
and love.

I wish I had a neat little wrap up that would make all this pain go away but I don't. So, here's what I know...
He's God.
He loves me.
Sometimes it's okay to hurt.

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