Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Seeking the Wrong Thing: Faith Unfinished


 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised,  Heb. 11:40 

Everything in me DOES NOT want to write this because I am scared, but I feel led to write it  so here goes nothing...


I have been thinking a lot about Cerebral Palsy lately. It stinks. I am sore ALL THE TIME, I need more help than the average person and it causes some embarrassing situations that I can't control. I am about to be as in your face as possible so be warned. I l HATE CP. I believe that God heals. I believe His promises are Yes and Amen. I believe Him. He promises to take this away. God does not make promises He doesn't keep. But, sometimes life tells me differently. Life tells me I am not good enough. Life tells me if God were real He would just ZAP heal me and CP and its pain would no longer be a reality. Life screams at me to DOUBTDoubt my ability, Doubt Him. Life tells me it's not fair,I never get what I want. All I know for sure is1. He promises healing. 2. He loves me. 3. He HAS NOT healed me. That leads me to the following conclusion....

PEOPLE SOMETIMES SEEK THE WRONG THING. 

When my prayers become only about MY healing and not HIS WILL I am praying the WRONG prayer. I don't think that praying for healing is wrong but I think you can pray for healing and still be missing faith. 
When you pray for someone, what do you pray? Are you only seeking the miracle? 
Faith means believing that NO MATTER what He does He is not wrong. Faith means seeing the "hard" of life and not trying to sugar coat it by pretending that it makes sense.  
Faith means knowing Him and being content with that. 
Faith means being real,
If I am shooting straight I HATE that last one because that means being 
vulnerable. 

So here I am. 

I hurt. I would give just about anything to not deal with this. CP makes me worry.  "Will my niece love me even though I can't play the same games with her as everyone else? Will I ever be ever able to handle the realities of a family of my own? Will I EVER stop seeing CP as part of my identity? Will I ever stop feeling different? I do pray for healing, and sometimes I'm scared I will only "see it from a distance" or have to wait for heaven (NOT ready for that yet..)

And here is my Truth...

I don't know the answers to any of those questions.  But I know my Jesus 
and He promises me LIFE and LIFE abundant. 
He promises healing and He has delivered
with joy like I can't believe, 
purpose worth fighting for, 
and so I LIVE "doing it afraid." (Thanks Joyce Meyer). 

I have FAITH in Him 
regardless of whether I ever get my miracle. 

But thus far it remains
Unfinished  


 


1 comment:

  1. Really great post as usual. And one insecurity you can toss on to the trash is that your niece's (remember that's a plural now) will always love and care for you. They will love you so much, because you are you, and you make them feel like they are perfect little princesses.

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